Hello, my name is Edward James and I’m an addict. I’m also host of THE WITHDRAWAL podcast.

Not that long ago, I found my way back to the land of the living. Now, sober and strong, it is my fondest wish to stay connected to my fellow addicts and help them and their loved ones as much as possible.

After all, to truly experience that which life offers us, we can’t be suffering in the throes of addiction.

You see, a body may be breathing, a heart pumping, but if addiction has control of the brain, I can guarantee you’re not an active participant in anything, except the daily quest to find and consume your drug of choice.

Oh, perhaps that’s exactly what you’re doing…avoiding participation in life by constantly being in an altered state.

Stay with me over the coming weeks and perhaps I can help persuade you that life IS worth living.

At times, I may just say DOC, but drug of choice is what I mean. We all have a drug of choice. One particular stimulating thing that grabs hold of us and won’t let go.

Even sober folk have things which draws them in and take ahold of their better judgment. Just not to the degree of that of an addict.

Let me introduce myself to you a bit.  

I’m not a celebrity, nor do I have dusty college degrees hanging on seldom seen walls that no one pays attention to.

I’m just a man with a man’s courage. I’m simply a man who’s suffered through addiction and made some of the worst possible choices along the way. In the end, I found a path back to sobriety and I’d like to share all of those experiences with you.

After all, who better than an addict to talk about addiction to addicts and their loved ones?

Make sense? Good. Let’s begin.

In this, our first episode…our very first time speaking to one another, I’ll tackle a huge question…It’s the big one, the whole enchilada, if you will. It’s the very question tens of millions of Americans ponder each and every year.

“Am I an addict?”

Well, are you? Do you even know? Do you want to know? Is there someone in your life that you care about dearly that might be?  

Or perhaps you’re high as a kite right now and you’re at the point where you think it’s funny to talk about drugs and getting high? It’s alright. I’m here for you too.

I’m here for anyone that cares to listen because one single person saved is worth a lifetime of trying to help.

As long as I do my job well enough, this information will get stored in your brain and at some point or another, hopefully you’ll put it to good use.

To answer the question “Am I an addict” is not easy. Addiction is a far-ranging spectrum of disorders. It’s also considered to be a disease.

It comes in many forms and it has many causes.

Addiction IS a disease. I can confirm this for you in case you’ve had doubts. So will the majority of any respectable part of the medical community. A disease, as defined by Britannica, is any harmful deviation from the normal structural or functional state of an organism.

Well, what does that mean? It means that when non-addicts sit there saying “why doesn’t he just stop already” the answer is IT’S A DISEASE, THAT’S WHY! Why doesn’t cancer just stop already?

It needs to be treated, that’s why.

You can’t just will it away. 

I mean, yes, I’ve heard fairy tales of those that have used brute force and willpower to stop taking a drug of choice. I don’t buy it as a permanent solution.

You may be able to detox without help, but to permanently heal the war wounds of addiction, one must always seek professional help.

I’ll use myself as an example.

I stopped smoking marijuana after decades of use, but I was far from recovered. After being introduced to opiates years after stopping marijuana use, my addiction nearly burned my soul to a crisp. I was not able to do it on my own.

So, do not ask, “why doesn’t he or she just stop?” …an appropriate question is more like, “Why doesn’t he or she go seek treatment?”

And I’ll answer that question for you a bit later. It’s not nearly as easy as you think it is to just want to go to treatment.

In the AA/NA world, we often say that sobriety will never be for those that need it. It’s only for those that want it bad enough to sacrifice everything to get it.

Confused? We’ll work through all of it one piece at a time.

Angry or upset? I know exactly how your restless heart feels. Please, we must be as patient as possible.

Think about this, if the solution to addiction were easy, every addict would be cured. Unfortunately, most addicts will never find their way back. And by most, I mean most by a longshot. “Hardly any” might be a more appropriate thing to say.

I don’t want to upset anyone, but unfortunately, how do we intend to speak about addiction and not get upset? It’s an upsetting disease. It drives people to kill themselves. It wipes out families, ruins friendships, and destroys all that is good in the world.

I plan on doing this podcast weekly, so please, try to stay calm, but be willing to show your true emotions. We can’t afford to not to do that.

You can even get angry at me…I do understand.

It’s alright. It’ll be OK. Life can get better if you arm yourself with the truth and find the strength to move forward and get help.

And so, I say to you, the listeners of this podcast…will you lower your defenses and tear down your walls so that our minds can work together in an effort to find answers you’re obviously here to seek out?

If so, I’ll use my own story of addiction and surround that with quality information in order to help you find your own way to a better life.

I’m not a doctor and this podcast isn’t certified by some board or group of PhDs. If you want that kind of dry commentary, you must go elsewhere.

I’m an addict that cares a lot about other addicts. I feel driven to help, and I know that addicts always listen to other addicts. We’re attracted to one another like magnets so why not put that attraction to good use right here and now?

We addicts speak a language known only to each other. That’s why it’s so hard for non-addicts to reach us and turn us in the right direction.

It’s much easier for an active addict to see the “big picture” when that visualization is presented by another who has gone through this pain and successfully found a way out.

When addicts ask questions like “How do I get help?” or “What am I going to feel like after 30 days?” or “Nobody can possibly understand me” or “How did you do it?” or any number of crazy questions…it’s addicts in recovery that are best prepared to answer.

That is my belief after suffering this disease for decades before seeking help. It is my observation after being around thousands of fellow addicts and seeing what works for them as well as for me.

Doctors are necessary and 100% part of the solution. I would not dare say otherwise.

I’m simply saying that addicts make the best trusted advisors for active addicts and their loved ones.

Let’s move on now.

So, what is an addict? I’ve said the word many times already.

Well, one who has an addiction, right? Of course, but let’s start at a fundamental place of agreement in order to keep trust flowing and solutions growing.

Let’s define addiction. As I often tend to, I ‘ll grab a definition from a dictionary and then build from there. I simply brought up a search engine and typed the words “define addiction.” I then hit the ENTER key and this is what came up…

Per the words of Wikipedia, addiction is a biopsychosocial disorder characterized by repeated use of drugs, or repetitive engagement in a behavior such as sex, eating, not-eating, gambling, and even relationships.

There you have it. Now, does everyone understand exactly what addiction is and how to recover from it?

Of course not. Addiction is no simple thing. After what I just read to you, some folks might even be more confused than when we started.

That’s why I’ll be here for you every week. This is going to take some time to cover the vast ocean of knowledge surrounding addiction and addiction treatment.

At its core, addiction is rooted in the brain. Once forcibly there, its effects ripple through the body. Once addiction has taken full control, all aspects of daily life are affected. That is the biopsychosocial nature of this beast.

Biopsychosocial is a coined term by the medical community. BPS, or biopsychosocial, is a model or approach in determining how a disease like addiction affects us.

Let us now break that apart in order to see the smaller pieces that make up the whole.

Bio, or biological, refers to physical aspects of our being like: our body, our genetics, and even the food and drink we consume.

Psycho or psychological refers to the mind, primarily focusing on emotions, behaviors, and how we treat others.

Let me note something. The brain is part of our biology. The mind is part of our psychology. See the difference?

Social refers to that which is outside of our body. Our family, friends, work, upbringing, religion, traumatic events, and many other factors.

Throughout the time we spend together, we’ll constantly be discussing the mind, body, soul, and environmental aspects of addiction. That’s all BPS, or biopsychosocial.

In a sense, I feel like addiction is the WHAT and BPS is the WHERE, WHEN, HOW, and WHY.

I think we’re on the same page here so let’s dig deeper.

So far, I’ve spent our time in generalities and definitions, but we can wait no longer. I must now prove my worth to you by getting specific and even using my own dark story of addiction to help us find a path of light and the will to walk it.

It’s interesting to me that if I speak about others, or speak in generalities, my ego can remain intact. I don’t have to worry about what others will think of me. That logic is worthless, of course and I know it.

Even after this much time working on myself and my addiction, I still feel embarrassed and humiliated at the things that I’ve done.

This is normal. As time passes, it’ll all get easier to deal with on a daily basis.

My loved ones have forgiven me, and the friends that are worth it have as well, but I still wonder if I’ve truly forgiven myself. Forgiveness comes as a natural part in the timeline of recovery. Meaning this…forgiveness can’t be forced.

If I draw a straight line and on the far left is the day you decide to get sober. Then, on the far right is a goal. Perhaps to stay sober and have five years pass. Perhaps, to stay sober and have a relationship with a special loved one.

Somewhere between the far left and the far-right points there will be many other key points. Forgiveness will be some of them.

Forgiveness of self. Forgiveness of another that has traumatized you. Forgiveness from another whose forgiveness you seek.

Stay the course, fight the good fight, and you will earn the rewards you have earned.

Let’s speak about ego for a moment. As addiction tore me apart and nearly destroyed me, my ego got in the way so many times.

I wouldn’t do the right thing because I was afraid people at work would think I was unprofessional. I was afraid my family would think less of me. I was afraid my wife would see me as unworthy.

I was a proud man. Too proud. False pride fuels ego and that drives the mind to lying about self. In addiction, that lying is the beginning or our undoing.

Eventually, I was caught in the trap of my lies, always trying to hide who I really was behind an image that I thought people wanted to see.

The false image was one of Ed, the successful man. Ed, the man in control. Ed, the man with no problems. Ed, the man with a perfect life.

My self-esteem and self-worth were all wrapped around the job I held. The house I owned. The town I lived in. The objects I possessed.

A man that lives by a checklist like that is a man who is empty inside…and I was.

Addiction was like the Tower card in a tarot deck. It tore my false kingdom down, stripping me of job, house, car, and status. Forcing me to see the truth of what I’d become.

But, once I’d found sobriety and healing, I was able to rebuild a better, more truthful, tower. A kingdom of truth as I like to call it.

I can’t know for certain, but I believe that without going through addiction I might still be an abrasive, obnoxious man. Also, a very average father and husband.

So, my ego was a problem as many people’s egos are. I mean, perhaps ego has gotten a bad rap. It’s a word that typically denotes a negative thing. Regardless, we addicts must kill our ego to recover fully.

That’s why addicts are taught to become selfless once we’re clean and our minds are back in our control. When in addiction, we are selfish. Even in recovery, we are still in selfish mode.

However, once we reach a state of mind where we can put other’s needs and the world’s needs before our own, we’ve solved the problem of our ego.

For me, it was becoming selfless meant being a better dad and husband. I now do the best I can to put my kid’s needs and my wife’s needs before my own. I also got involved in other activities where I can put others needs first. Like managing my daughter’s soccer team.

It feels really good to help children.

It’s another key recommendation of mine. Once you’re clean for a year or three, find a cause and get involved. Give of yourself freely to another.

After all, once an addict, always an addict. There is no cure, only the ability to cage it and move on. Our addictive energies must go somewhere. Supporting a cause and helping others is a great way to use those chaotic energies for good.

In sobriety, we must find a sense of peace within our minds.

Have you ever tried to sit alone in a quiet room for 30 minutes? Are you able to do it? No TV, no radio, no phone. Just you and your mind.

Can you do it without fixating on drugs or your addiction?

To sit quietly for even ten minutes often takes quite the effort in this busy, overstimulated age of living. To sit quietly for an addict is nearly impossible.

Come on my fellow addicts, you know what I’m saying is true. During our active addiction, we always build obsessive and compulsive tendencies that we need to break down and fix one by one.

Being able to sit quietly doing nothing is a great sign that your mind is clear. No, I’m not trying to push anyone into meditation or anything. Though, I do enjoy meditation myself.

I’m just showing you the difference between an addicted and cluttered mind versus one that is clear and able to live a good life.

I don’t know. No one and nothing is perfect, but we must do our all and then be satisfied with the result.

Perfection, like ego, is another killer to one with addictive tendencies. Perfection drives us to self-loathing when we can’t achieve it. The truth is that perfection is an illusion. It doesn’t even exist in the real world.

Perfection is a direction like left or right. We head in that direction, but it has no specific end point. It is not a specific achievement.

Alright, I’ve gone a bit too far ahead, so please let me go back a bit to the beginning. Back to understanding what addiction is and, more importantly, are you or a loved one an addict or not?

We’ve defined addiction and we also understand biopsychosocial, or BPS, a bit better than we once did. Let’s now go through a checklist of questions that you will have to answer for yourselves.

Before I do, please allow me to give you a 360 degree view of what I’m doing again. I’m doing The Withdrawal Podcast weekly. If you’re listening to this, then you’ve already found it. We also have a Facebook page called The Withdrawal at FACEBOOK.COM/THEWITHDRAWAL and a website at THEWITHDRAWAL.COM. Both of these additional resources are new, but ever building. Please visit both of them to personally reach me and to also find more information on that which we speak of together.

I really hope to give you as much support as you need to help you through the tough times ahead. Okay, now back to the topic at hand.

Let’s run through some specific questions that will very likely tell you if you’re an addict, or at a minimum, have addictive tendencies.

Remember, even those of you that aren’t on addiction’s spectrum probably exhibited some sort of addictive tendency at some point or another in your life.

So, where to begin? Let me see…

Oh, here’s a horrible one…

NUMBER 1 – Do you experience withdrawal symptoms when you stop taking a substance or performing a behavior?

Hey, this IS called The Withdrawal, after all. Why shouldn’t we start here?

Let me help by providing you with an oversized list of symptoms you might be unlucky enough to feel if you do stop taking your drugs of choice.

Fatigue, vomiting, sweating profusely, anxiety, depression, seizures, hallucinations, loss of appetite, shaking, muscle spasm, night sweats, clammy skin, feeling cold and hot seemingly at the same time, agitation, restlessness, anger, crying, self-harm, paranoia, stomach cramps, confusion, disorientation, a feeling of detachment from reality….

Shall I go on? There are many more. Withdrawal symptoms are like existing in a horror movie that is your life. Worse yet, we can suffer from many of these symptoms simultaneously. That makes suffering through withdrawals one of the hardest things a person can go through.

The physical pain debilitates the body and the mental anguish that goes with it thins out the soul to a state of non-existence.

Does any of this ring a bell for you? For me it does.

In the beginning of my opiate addiction, which then spurred an addiction to every single drug I could find, I realized that after taking oxycontin continuously for three days, I would feel withdrawal symptoms once I stopped taking those evil little pills.

Only three days. That’s why it disgusts me when I hear doctors prescribing 30 days or more of opiates to those that could just as easily be taking aspirin for whatever injury they might be suffering from.

After three days, I would feel the withdrawals. My stomach would cramp up and I’d constantly be on the toilet. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t focus on life. After just three days.

Are you hearing me because it’s important that you understand?

I’m going to devote an entire podcast to the subject of withdrawal in the next couple of weeks, so I won’t get into it too far. Let me just say a bit more though.

After I took over 400 MG of opiates each day for the better part of ten long years, what kind of withdrawals do you think I felt then?

What lengths do you think I’d have gone to in order to not feel the withdrawals?

There you have it though. Do you feel withdrawals after stopping the drugs that you’re used to taking? Do you feel withdrawals after not binge eating for a day? How about after not watching porn for a day or two? Addictions take many forms and withdrawals are tied to each and every one of them.

As it relates to heavy drugs like heroin, alcohol, and a few others, withdrawals are incredibly painful, and we addicts fear the onset of those symptoms to such a level that we’ll do anything to avoid them.

Alcoholics can die from the withdrawals they suffer from.

I will say this again and again to you…NEVER EVER attempt to withdraw from alcohol or heroin on your own. Seek medical attention. Let professionals that care into your heart. Let others help you when you need it most.

It can be the difference between life and death. It can be the difference between success and constant failure. That help can put you on the proper path to find a new way of living. You might not see it yet, but there is a path for you.

Oh, are you an addict that’s gone to rehab two times? How about ten times or more? I know it may seem like you are unable to be helped but as I’ll consistently say to you…there’s always hope as long as the heart is beating. Remember that.

I’m already writing the script for another podcast episode that’ll be devoted entirely to revolving door trips to rehabs and how to stop that by finding the right one. Also by being in the right state of mind.

Hey, if you want to put your addiction in it’s place and get back to living you’re going to have to become an active participant. You can’t rely on a rehab facility to do all the work for you.

We addicts all must become the owner’s of our destiny. We must learn what WE can do in order to stay clean and find fruitful lives.

So, what’s your thoughts on this? Do you already feel the fear of withdrawal in your heart? Or perhaps, have you been feeling these symptoms and not yet realized they were a part of your addiction?

Think about it. Talk to someone you can trust. And remember…the person that you can trust may not be your parents, your spouse, or your loved ones. They may not understand you yet and may judge you unfairly as a result of speaking about these things.

Speaking to a doctor or a shrink is an enlightening thing. I still do it every month. There is a release in speaking to someone that cares but is not directly connected to your daily life.

Stop putting your ego first. We already covered that. Set your ego aside and go find help and guidance. I’m always here for you, as well. Don’t forget that.

I love my fellow addicts, in a non-addictive way, or course. I’ve come to understand that living with addiction is not a curse. I’ve come to realize that I desire to use my addictive energies to help others if I can, and if they’ll allow.

Hey, that’s just me. My way may not be yours.

So we’ve now broached the subject of withdrawal and we’ll talk about it more as we get to know one another.

Let’s move on to another question that may lead you to self-realization.

Question 2 – Do you feel intense cravings for your drug of choice or a particular behavior?

Hmm, anyone out there know about insatiable cravings? I do.

When I say cravings I’m not talking about some passing thought to have something. What I’m talking about is a maddening desire to consume large quantities of drugs, food, sex, and many other things that people get addicted to.

I typically fall back on drug related cravings because that’s what I know best, but our discussions shouldn’t be limited to “just drugs”.

To be honest once more, after I finally got sober and stayed that way for more than three years, I still suffered from massive binge eating sessions. I’m a big guy. I stand nearly six foot three and my shoulders are wide and strong. That being said, I gained over a hundred pounds after stopping my drug addiction in it’s tracks.

In the end, other addictions started to manifest themselves. Eating obviously is a big one that I’m just starting to get a handle on. I’ve also binges on buying lottery tickets and renting a zillion movies from Amazon Prime.

Hey, I know me. I’m a poly-addict of the worst kind. When I take drugs, I go on the pro tour. I’m the Tiger Woods of addiction. A Lebron James of snorting and a Peyton Manning of finding sources of getting what I want when I want it. Nobody is better than me at self-destruction and compulsive thinking.

That’s a big reason why I think I can help others. To live through what I’ve lived through and to actually feel normal most of the time is worth teaching others.

Back to cravings. Ever been in the middle of a corporate meeting surrounded by suits and other boring people…no offense… and thought to yourself… “hey, I’d love to splay a huge line of coke out on this table and snort it like a rampaging hoover vacuum.”

No? Hmm. For me, it was a weekly occurrence.

What am I trying to say?

I guess it’s this…if you have cravings for a drug, or something else, and that craving takes up hours of your time, preventing you from working effectively, or taking your kids to school on time, or eating, or sleeping…then you may be an addict.

And please don’t look at addiction as a mark of shame. If you do, you’re much less likely to seek help because your shame will force you into silence and denial.

I have a huge list of questions, though we’ll only get through two more in this episode. You can find more questions and answers to them on our Facebook page at Facebook.com/THEWITHDRAWAL. Go there for additional information and interactions with myself, your host, and fellow addict, Edward James.

Let me say this to you…please don’t let a feeling of dread overcome you as we go through these questions and attempt to identify the traits of an addict. It is my firmest belief that we must always embrace the truth. Living with truth in your heart is so much more powerful than living in denial.

Remember, the things we hide from in life are the very things that will eventually sneak up behind us and slash our throats. The little things we fear grow big and then they come for us in the night, stalking and slaying our every good intention.

Alright then, Question 3…

Have you begun to do things you never thought you would do in order to get the drugs you need to get high?

Let’s agree to a common meaning on this. If I say, “the drugs you need to get high”, that can also mean the porn you need to feel that sexual rush. It can mean the food you need to eat in order to feel the dopamine charge. It can mean any addiction.

When we get to this question, many people begin to squirm. This is where we usually choose to shut down and not address our actions. It’s difficult to admit to humiliating things that we’ve done or are continuing to do.

Let me break the ice and go through one of my own for you.

In the heyday of my career and success, I was a corporate type guy, wearing nice suits, conservative haircuts, and speaking with great eloquence.

I used that outward version of myself to do so much bad throughout my addiction.

Here we are just meeting one another on this podcast and I’m already revealing the worst of myself to you. Before committing to make this podcast and self-agreeing to devote much of my life helping others, I realized I’d have to speak about my own past shames in order to find common ground and get my fellow addicts to trust me.

My daughters’ birthdays are about two and a half years apart from each other. When my youngest was around five and my oldest seven, I’d bring them to my drug dealer’s house or any other place I’d meet him in order to get the drugs I craved and needed.

I’d buckle them into their safety seats and pray to G-d that they’d be safe. I knew, deep in my heart, that what I was doing was bad.

I believe we fall into categories like that. Some addicts know exactly how bad the things we do are but do them anyways. We’re guilt ridden and tormented, but that’s not enough to stop. Other addicts aren’t yet self-aware. But they will be soon enough. That day always comes.

After a short prayer, I’d then make sure I had tons of cash on me. I didn’t believe in the daily copping of drugs. I preferred to buy at least $600 dollars worth of drugs in hopes that they’d last.

They didn’t last, of course. The more we have, the more we do. I call it junkie logic. In the throes of addiction, we use that junkie logic and junkie math to perform calculations that convince our brain of ridiculous things that just aren’t true.

“Hey self, that $600 worth of Oxys, coke, and Xanax will last at least five days. You won’t have to drag the kids through this for days.”

Needless to say, after two days, I was ran out and then another withdrawal from the bank, and from humanity, would be necessary.

Each time I went out to buy drugs and each time I’d consume them; I felt my soul growing thin. I felt my life drifting into oblivion. I saw it all falling apart as though I was watching a movie of myself. I was a spectator to my own existence.

I usually used the lure of going to get ice cream or some other treat to bring my kids’ spirits up. My wife knew I was having problems, and at that point, she believed the responsibility of spending time alone with them was a good thing.

She hadn’t realized that my morals were gone. I mean, they weren’t 100% gone, but close to it.

Upon heading to the dealer, in my mind, I envisioned us getting in and getting out, but that was never the case. During drug transactions, time isn’t a certainty.

Drug dealers are often late. They know the addicted will Wait indefinitely.

I’d text my guy and tell him a thousand times, “I’ve got my children and I can’t wait.” He’d say, “Sure, I got you, man.”

When I got to the meeting spot, I’d always have to wait at least thirty minutes, and sometimes much more.

Besides that, I created made up names for my drug dealers when introducing them to my kids. I hated that my kids were meeting drug dealers. I hated myself each and every time they went through that with me. But it wasn’t enough to change.

If my dealer was late, I’d wait forever. My kids might need to go to the bathroom or just be in a bad mood, but I didn’t care. They’d cry and beg, but I told them to hang on for just a few moments more. These are the things that still haunt me. These are the things that I find most difficult to move past.

Even though I was wasted, it disgusted me to place my children at risk. To force them into an environment that I would kill another person for bringing them into. And yet there I was because the thought of going into withdrawal terrified me. Withdrawal felt worse than ruining my marriage. Worse than death itself. That’s the truth of how I felt at the time.

Look, I know some of you have stories that will put my last one to shame. We all have war stories of differing levels of disgust.

In recovery, it’s not about who had it the worst. It’s about each of us recalling our deeds and coming to terms with them. We can’t find peace until we forgive ourselves.

So, hopefully you get a sense of it. If you are doing things that disgust you, embarrass you, or in general is something that you know you would never normally do…you might just be an addict.

Don’t hurt yourself over it. Don’t kill yourself over it. Also, don’t let it humiliate you to silence. Stick with the positives and get the help you need.

I promised one more question, and here it is…

Question #4 – Do you hide or downplay your behavior?

As you are beginning to see, I certainly used to.

The first lie an addict tells is the lie we tell ourselves. I used to tell myself that I was severely injured. I had to take opiates. After all, my MRIs and X-Rays told that story for me. I have four herniated discs. They bulge out and my sciatic nerve gets pinched at times.

I lived in excruciating pain, and that was the lie that I continued to tell myself for years. The reality is that opiated latch onto our pain receptors and warp our brains. After enough abuse, all pain feels worse than it actually is. I know this to be true because I’m sober now and don’t take opiates ever. I still live with four herniated discs, two in my lower back, and two in my neck, and yet, I don’t live in pain every day.

Was it a miraculous thing? No. The truth all along was that I didn’t need the pills. Yes, there was a few weeks of excrucaitain pain, but if I’d just dealt with it without the opiates, it would have subsided.

Now you know. That was my BIG LIE. I told it to myself, then I told it to my wife, and then I told it to anyone that doubted me. I even went so far as to intentionally develop a fake limp in order to provide a visual confirmation to doubters as to how injured I was.

It was all a lie. I hid the fact that my tolerance was getting higher by the day. I hid the fact that’s I’d begun to abuse Ambien and every other sleeping pill. I began to abuse Xanax and other benzos. I also started to buy larger quantities of cocaine.

I hid it for as long as I could, but eventually that which I hid from was that which destroyed me…as I always say.

I can sense some of your thoughts. You’re asking, “why the hell didn’t you get help earlier if you knew things were going bad?”

It’s actually quite simple. We addicts hate to reveal our truths. When we do, that means all the lies no longer work. It means that everyone sees us for who we are, a wrecked mess that lies and steals, seemingly without guilt. Revealing out truth is crossing a line that we cannot uncross.

Yes, eventually all WILL be found out. We just refuse that that is so…and so we allow the secret of our addiction to become this huge weapon. A bomb that eventually explodes, hurting all whom we love.

Do you hide your secrets of addiction from those that you should be able to trust? I know exactly how you feel. I know how hard it is.

They may not handle it well. They might say nasty things that they’ll regret. I know all too well because my family, outside of my wife and perhaps one or two others, was not supportive of what I was going through. To this day they judge me unfairly.

We’ll talk about family dynamics soon enough. I’ll tell you my story and offer some expertise that I’ve gathered over the course of many years.

Can I provide one quick suggestion? Instead of unloading all of this on a relative or friend, you could go see a shrink. I still do, even though I’ve been clean for a long time. It’s not a sign of weakness.

Seeing a therapist is being able to say anything and everything that’s on your mind. You can tell a therapist exactly what you’re up to and it’s their job to keep it between the two of you.

Now, if you’re threatening to kill yourself, they are required by law to intervene, but that is the extreme.

For the most part, having a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist is one of the smartest things you will ever do. Once you go to detox, then rehab, and after you go back home, you’ll need to start seeing someone like that anyway.

All of us need a confidant that will call us out on our BS, but yet keep our secrets while helping us to deal with them. Do it, NOW!

Well, that’s it for today. Please join me next week for another addition of THE WITHDRAWAL podcast. Also, follow us at FACEBOOK.COM/THEWITHDRAWAL and WWW.THEWITHDRAWAL.COM.

Here’s the deal. Our Facebook page and website are new and need your support and help. Without you, I can’t expect to do much. Please consider following us, posting on all THEWITHDRAWAL platforms, contacting me, and staying connected.

For my part, I promise that my mind is set on this course and I’m here for you. I mean I can’t pick up the phone 24/7 and go for coffee, but I will respond to every single person that asks for help or has questions.

I’m not a medical professional, but I can be a trusted advisor to you.

With that being said, stay safe and keep hope alive. If you’re like me and addicted, prepare to put as much effort into fighting as you have copping drugs and taking them. This is a war, and you must fight. Become the master of your addiction. That won’t come overnight, but it will come.

For friends and love ones of the addicted, once you know that which I will tell you, you will no longer be able to sit back and pretend it’s not happening.

Sit down, meditate, pray, or just take a few deep breaths. Then,

Figure out what you will or won’t do to help your loved one get better. If you’re tapped out and refuse to participate, then please depart sooner than later. Pretending will not help the situation.

If you agree to help, then you must get ready to fight, as well. Seek out resources and allies. People that have gone through this and survived. Al-Anon is a great start. You need and deserve to get as much help as we addicts do.

Go online and start educating yourself. When questions come up, seek me out and ask me. I’ll get you an answer or point you in a direction.

We’re done here till next week. I’m so glad we’ve met one another.

Now go find a comfortable quiet spot and take deep breaths. Allow yourself to acknowledge the pain you’re going through. Then purge the pain for the night, but not through addictive behaviors. Imagine the negative thoughts that are causing you to lose sleep passing out of your body while exhaling.

Find a positive memory and bring it to the forefront of your brain. End this day on that positive and be bothered no more for the time being.

Be well. I’ll talk to you soon…